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Angband Humor

Tolkien and his poor writing

by Chris Kern

It seems that Tolkien has not thought very clearly before writing his books. He really needs to think things through before even putting pen to paper. Some examples:

The Variant Maintainer

by Julian Lighton (author of SAngband)

The Variant Maintainer ('p')
He has slain 74 of your ancestors, who remain unavenged. A deranged programmer, scattering bizarre ideas and bad code everywhere. He moves highly erraticly, and unbelievably quickly. He is invisible. He can breathe confusion, and is magical, casting spells that summon software bugs, summon Random Number Gods, and crash the game, 1 time in 2. He can hit to drain macros, hit to invalidate save files, hit to change your spells, and hit to consume your free time. You feel an intense desire to kill this monster...

Effects of too much Angband

by various people on rec.games.roguelike.angband

When I was your age...

by various people on the Angband IRC channel

Cookie3: "back in my day, we were lucky if we had 3 charisma. If prices weren't at least 4x normal, we wouldn't buy it."
Cookie3: "We'd also sit around in town killing aimless merchants so we could buy that Ring of Speed -1 {cursed} for 500,000 gold."
markh: Hey - I've *done* that :)
markh: Of course, we didn't use gold back then...
Morgoth: You paid with broken sticks?
markh: If you wanted something, you killed someone for it. None of yer fancy 'shops'. You kids have it easy.
Morgoth *grin*
* markh cuffs Morgoth round ear
markh: Kids, eh?
* Morgoth grins
Cookie3: "We had to fight mean looking mercs for their magic items. Of course, they'd only drop Slime Molds, but we were lucky if we had food."
markh: Food? *Food*?!?
markh: We'd have *loved* hearing about food.
markh: I didn't even know food existed until I was 20.
markh: I had to eat dirt.
markh: And considered myself lucky.
* markh shakes head
Cookie3: "Dirt? We were lucky if we could find dirt. We all had permanently cursed Rings of Levitation. We couldn't even touch the ground if we wanted to."
Cookie3: ... ah, but kids today, they just don't understand.
markh: *lol*
Cookie3: "Of course, the Rings of Levitation were magical, and magic would fail 95% of the time, no matter how skilled you were."
Cookie3: "If a Ring failed, you were tossed into space, never to be seen again."
markh: Magic? *Magic?*
* markh fears he's turning into something from a Monty Python sketch...
Cookie3: "Not only that, but if you wanted to play Angband, you had to code it yourself. Since we didn't have Hard Drives, you could't save even if you wanted to. "pre-compiled" didn't exist back then!"
markh: Ha! Ha! I bet you had one of those fancy 'keyboards', didn't you?
markh: Pah. I had to enter the whole game via switches first!
Morgoth: and you had to retype the source every time you wanted to play
* markh nods to Morgoth. I see you're a veteran.
Morgoth: And compiling a compiler without a compiler - that was fun!
markh: And I couldn't afford paper so I had to memorise all the switch positions...
Cookie3: "Keyboard? Nay, you jest! We had to use ROCKS!"
Morgoth: You had Rocks?
markh: Rocks, eh? Call me Lord Cookie
* markh looks disgusted

New ZAngband Features!

by various people on the Angband IRC channel

Adam_H: I'm sure the new version of Zangband will fix all that. I think among the new features Robert should add, "And it's a chick magnet!"
* Cookie3 rolls on the floor, laughing!
Cookie3: "Angband; now with less sodium! A proven chick-magnet! Kills bacteria in 5 minutes!"
Remco: let's put up some billboards with posters with beach chicks on it, and the slogan "ZAngband is good for you" or so ;-)
* Adam_H laughs at Cookie3.
Cookie3: "Cookie3: Before I played angband, I was a short little kid. Now I'm a short little teenager! Thanks Angband!"
* Adam_H laughs out loud.
Remco: "We hope you enjoyed playing ZAngband as much as we enjoyed making it. If you didn't, you are different and strange. All your friends love ZAngband."

Save Our Slime Molds!

by Aidan Ryder, Eric Bock, and DSCreamer on rec.games.roguelike.angband

Aidan Ryder:

Does anyone else collect and name slime molds?

My home looks a bit like this:
a) A slime mold {Milton}
b) A slime mold {Jeremy}
c) A slime mold {Thomas}....

:Eric Bock:

:That's probably the strangest Angband ritual I've ever heard of.
:AFAIK, you're the only one :)

The only one in the "Save Our Slime Mold" association?
And I wondered why the conventions were underattended...

And I do it in RL too...;)

:Any particular reason?  And do any of them look even remotely close to
:something one would want to munch on? :)

I've always visualised a slime mold as sort of a green lump with little
eyes on stalks on top. They are my friends. Do not eat them.

You know, I cry whenever I find Slime Mold juice.


::Don't! Slime mold juice is artificial!

Must be some errr... interesting E numbers in it...

::Artificially produced by magic in the alchemy shop, of course.

What Angband *really* is

by Adam Horowitz on the Angband IRC channel

Adam: My little Yorkshire terrier just brought me a "cow-ear" from downstairs

Robert: What is a "cow-ear"? I hope it's not what I think.

Newbie .. just coming in: What is Angband?

Adam: It's exactly what you think. Kind of scary, eh? A little doggie chew toy. And it's in the middle of my carpet.

The amphibious Whale

by Remco Gerlich on rec.games.roguelike.angband

The amphibious Whale ('~')/('~'):[(r)ecall, ESC]

Your ancestors have killed thousands of these creatures. It is fed up with evolution, and returning to dry land. It is often found on beaches, where groups of helpful treehuggers will try to pull it back into the sea. It doesn't move; it hopes the environment freaks will think it's dead. A kill of this creature is worth tons of blubber for any character. It can claim to be a mammal, repeat that it is a mammal, repeat that it is a mammal, and explode (in very gory fashion).

Famous last words

by various people on rec.games.roguelike.angband

Journal of a Barbarian Monk (YASD)

by "Azhrarn" on rec.games.roguelike.angband

As I arrived at 1400' today, a disembodied voice announced that I must kill 9 Raal's Tomes of Destruction. The notes of my ancestors spoke of these creatures. Be warned, they said, for these foul books possess a fearsome array of magicks. But I fear not, for I am a strong (L31) and hale (400 hp) fighter, and no mere collection of parchment could possibly stand up to my deadly strikes. I will use the powers gifted me by Nature to detect these evil tomes from afar, and will tunnel through the walls to come upon them unbeknownst. For though I lack nether resistance, and confusion resistance, and poison resistance, and in fact all 4 elemental resistances, I will kill them so quickly they will barely have the chance to launch a single spell.

This is Bob Hayworth, reporting live for Dungeon News at the scene of another brutal slaying. Officials have just finished removing the body of Yet Another Dumb Adventurer, who was apparently killed by a magical book. The exact cause of death is unknown at this point, but preliminary reports suggest water bolts, fire and poison were involved. Eyewitness monsters describe the battle as short but bloody, with all of the blood apparently coming from the adventurer, who did not actually even hurt the magic book. I will now try to get a few words from the victor. Mr. Raal's, do you feel this killing was justified? Mr. Raal's? Mr. Raal's, just a few words, please? Mr. Raal's? Do you have something to say? C'mon, out with i- aaaaarrrggggh!!

Bob? Are you there Bob? We've lost the satellite feed, Bob. Are you still there? Excuse us, folks, we're having some technical difficulties. We'll be back after a short word from our sponsors, Bad Idea Jeans...

Murphy's and Sod's Angband Laws

by John I'anson-Holton, Mischa E Gelman, Gwidon S. Naskrent, Chase Tingley, "Vicarys", and "Jeff" on rec.games.roguelike.angband

Most of you will have heard of Murphy's Law and, perhaps, Sod's Law which state, respectively, that:

"If anything can go wrong, it will go wrong"; and
"If something is going to go wrong, it will do so at the worst possible time and place".

These two laws govern and explain everything that happens to us from why our toast always fall with the jam side (or jelly side for our American friends :-) )down to why the queue you are in at the Supermarket is always the slowest. It is a sad but inescapable truth that these two laws and their corollaries extend themselves into the game of Angband.

Murphy and Sod's Angband Laws

  1. If you are fighting a monster and are down to single digit hitpoints and quaff an un-id'd potion, read an un-id'd scroll or use an unid'd wand in the desperate hope that it will save you, they will be a Potion of Poison, a Scroll of Summon Monster and a Wand of Haste/Heal Monster respectively
  2. All un-id'd items sold will be of immense value.
  3. If your character dies, when reviewing their inventory and equipment you will find a minimum of three items that could have saved you.
  4. If you find an out of depth Ring of Speed, it will be cursed. If it is not cursed, it will be destroyed by a lightning attack just after you pick it up.
  5. If you are a Mage, you will maximize your wisdom before finding your first Potion of Intelligence. The opposite will be true for Priests.
  6. If you desperately desire an item, it will show up in the Black Market several times for far more AU than you currently have. Once you have saved up enough, it will never appear again.
  7. If you wield a Two-Handed Sword 4d6 without first id'ing it, it will be Mormegil.
  8. The first several dungeon spell books you find will be for the wrong discipline.
  9. Only warriors can find Raal's Tome of Destruction or the Prayer Book Wrath of God with any reliability.
  10. If you accidentally read a Scroll of Curse Armor/Weapon it will target you most valuable piece of equipment. Heaven help you if you do it on purpose.
  11. If you desperately need to cast a spell/prayer, you'll fail three times in a row irregardless of your fail rate.
  12. Other people will boast about finding the Hard Leather Boots of Feanor on multiple occasions. The only time you'll see them is when you fall asleep at night.
  13. If your computer is going to crash, it'll wait until just after you have found the best item in your life to do so.
  14. Never throw flasks of oil at a monster if you are carrying healing potions for obvious reasons.
  15. Reading a Scroll of Acquirment will give you a Dwarven Pick of Digging nine times out of ten.
  16. High level mages who've found that quaffing a Potion of Detonations while invulnerable can be kind of fun, will innevitably try it with a Potion of Death. Whoops!!
  17. If you are a high level character who dies while battling a horde of ancient dragons, greater undead, greater demons and/or deep uniques, you can be sure that your tombstone will show that a small kobold got the fatal blow.
  18. The one time you decide to go below 2,000 ft wothout Poison Resistance will be the one time a Drolem breathes from offscreen.
  19. A well kept secret: All powerful artifacts are actually carried by Green Glutton Ghosts and not monsters like Tiamat.
  20. If you get hit by an unresisted Nexus attack, the two stats swapped will be the exact combination that you would have least wanted to be switched around.
  21. A priest or paladin will never be granted the prayer they were hoping to learn the first time around.
  22. If an item in your inventory is destroyed or stolen, it will be the one you need next.
  23. If you leave Thorin at home in favour of Celegorm or Anarion, the next unique you meet will be Ancalagon the Black. Simiarly, any choice to leave out a vital resistance will result in the majority of all monsters generated having an attack to exploit that opening.
  24. All special feelings between 2,000 ft and 3,000 ft are graveyards.
  25. Unique monsters will often drop the one item that would have made them incredibly easy to kill.
  26. (preserve mode only) Every special level you explore fully has a jelly pit at the very end, or orc pit. Every one you give up on had a key artifact.
  27. You are guaranteed to die five turns after you've found an awesome OoD item. (Especially true for Ghost Beastmasters)
  28. The random invulnerability mutation will always activate in the town, and never when the Cyberdemons appear.
  29. The moment you find something you can sell for loads and loads all the shopkeepers change and the shop limits plummet to 5000.
  30. Each time you find that Holy Avenger Whip at 250', your character won't have DEX/STR enough to get more than one blow with it.
  31. The damage done from spells and weapons is calculated as being inversely proportional to the danger posed to you by the creature you are fighting. If you have a weapon that is 4d6, any creatures that can give you trouble will receive 4 points damage. Superb hits calculated on top of 24 points damage are reserved for the scrawny cats and the white louse exclusively.
  32. If by chance you *do* get an artifact from "Acquirement", you are guaranteed to die in ten turns.

© 1997/98 by Robert Rühlmann, rr9@thangorodrim.net [News] [To the Misc Page]